Nele Hawkeye [Unicorn] [Completed]

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Nele Hawkeye [Unicorn] [Completed]

Post by Nele Hawkeye on Sat Dec 21, 2013 4:11 am

=Information=
Name: Nele Hawkeye
Species: Unicorn
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Occupation: Bard
Virtue: Tranquility
Special Talent: Magic Music
Minor Talents: Sword Fighting, Composing, tailoring, minor enchanting


=Appearance=
Height: 3'8"
Coat Color: Tan
Mane/Tail Color: White Cream
Eye color: Green
Cutie/Glyph Mark: A series of 6 notes (forming the signature tune that Nele ends his songs with)

Attire:
Magically enchanted brown tunic and brown pants (enchanted to never stain). Wide brim floppy leather hat (enchanted to shade his face, unable to hide his smile). Long piece of grass held between his teeth (enchanted to always return to his inner-shirt pocket).


Equipment:
Mandolin that plays magical music with sword hidden in neck, flank pack containing small first aid kit, journal with enchanted quill (never needs to be dipped in ink).




Note:
Due to the limited-ness of pony maker, not everything about Nele's appearance could be put in the picture below. Specifically, the shirt, pants, hat, tattoo, mandolin, and piece of grass are missing. The horn is also smaller than the picture shows.





=Bio=


Personality: Being the brother to Iris Hawkeye, Nele has adopted a very tolerant personality. He has thought up his own philosophy that he follows diligently. Some of the things he follows:

- Keep a clear head
- Keep a cool head - freaking out never solves the problem.
- Keep an open mind
- Never assume
- Criticism only changes the critic.
- What goes around does not necessarily come around.

This philosophy has come to define every aspect of Nele's personality and priorities. Nele comes off as a modest pony, but actually has very little self esteem which occasionally leads to him sitting in the corner of a room being depressed. His mood at the time tends to affect the tone of his music. He plays very well and his music tends to be very emotion-invoking, like a good movie. This, however, is not the magical part of Nele's music.

Magic Music: Nele has various magical scores that he can play which can cause certain effects. On occasion, when he has the time to do so, he composes and enchants new scores. They have varied effects from making ponies stronger or faster while making other ponies weaker, etc (All of his musical scores will of course be put up on the artifact registry).

History: His father left for some unknown reason when Nele was 13. Before he left, he gave Nele a tunic and pair of pants, magically enchanted to never stain or get dirty. Nele was fascinated with enchanting before then, but this gift inspired him to continues studying the magic of enchanting. In his studying, Nele discovered the ancient ways of Magical music, a long lost form of magic. He found it interesting as it was similar to enchanting and quickly became fascinated in the subject. At age 14, he was versed enough in the ways of magic music to craft his own magical instrument. He took his dad's old mandolin and enchanted it to be capable of playing magical music.

Years passed by and Nele's father never came back and Nele's mother was left to take care of his sister, Iris on her own. Luckily, Nele, was old enough to take care of himself. At 15 years old, his cousin, Raivas Skye, was training in the art of sword fighting. He taught Nele some tricks and while Nele never became nearly as good as Raivas, he learned to hold his own against strangers. At age 16, Raivas was moving away and gifted Nele a sword cane. Nele would practice further with this thin blade and found it to be useful, but also cumbersome with the mandolin he also carried everywhere. So he spent some time fashioning a way to combine the two and managed to create a hole in the neck of his father's mandolin which he stored the sword in.

When Nele was 17, his mother died of an unknown cause leaving Nele and Iris to help themselves. Eventually they ran out of money and had to find a way to survive. Iris became a thief and stole goods. Nele earned money through entertaining others with music. Together they made enough to get by, but then the griffons attacked. During the town raid, Nele and Iris were separated. Nele has been traveling around offering his services for food and shelter throughout Equestria in search of his sister.


Last edited by Nele Hawkeye on Fri Dec 27, 2013 3:50 pm; edited 3 times in total (Reason for editing : Added a cutie mark and updated some information.)
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Re: Nele Hawkeye [Unicorn] [Completed]

Post by Johan Tercel on Fri Dec 27, 2013 3:04 pm

Hi Nele! Finally have the time to give an honest critique of your work.

Things that you need to change for this to be accepted (while the list is small, these things are fairly big details that caught my eye)

First off, the lack of a cutie mark. At GK, the lack of a cutie mark is very odd and is unacceptable. Equestrians /always/ get their cutie mark; this has no exceptions. I would request that you choose one, as no reason is given for it. And frankly, as Nele does indeed have a special talent (IE mood altering music) the lack of a cutie mark is strange.

Second, the nature of shadow magic. It seems altogether too much like Dark Magic, which is actually banned from any and all character sheets. So, unless you explain exactly what Shadow Magic is, the CS will not be accepted.

Third, some staff members have reservations about Nele's magic and how it effects creatures, notably NPC's and PC's. Having an ability which forces another character to feel or act in a certain way is borderline powerplaying, I remind you. Explaining the limits of this power, and modifying it as a suggestion, would make this magic far more acceptable for the RP.

When these three issues are addressed and remedied, I see no problem is accepting this CS. Until then , good work and good luck!
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Re: Nele Hawkeye [Unicorn] [Completed]

Post by Queen_Androconia on Fri Dec 27, 2013 3:07 pm

While it's not all bad, you left a little too much out. 
Where did you get the enchanted attire? 
Why specifically those items?
How good at sword fighting are we talking, and if he's a bard, what led to sword fighting?
Where did he get the bladed weapon?
Why did his father go off to study "Shadow Magic" in the everfree forest; why didn't he take someone with him?
When did shadow magic enter the field, why specifically "Shadow Magic" if he's a bard?
What lead to his low self esteem?
Why does he follow the rules he follows.
Who is Iris?
What was the towns name how did you and Iris get separated?

Not all of these question need to be answered but they may help flush out your character sheet, give it a bit of color and make the character more enjoyable then they already are. Right now he feels like one of those rare holographic cards. Add some detail and he becomes limited edition.  :wink: (Excuse the card anology)

Edit fixed typos.
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Re: Nele Hawkeye [Unicorn] [Completed]

Post by Nele Hawkeye on Fri Dec 27, 2013 3:53 pm

@Johan: I fixed the things you adressed, aside from the music. Your reply suggested that you misunderstood my intentions with the magic music and so I made that a bit more clear (see the section titled 'Magic Music').

@Queen: I answered about half of your questions, some of them became irrelevant and some I chose not to answer to leave some mystery to reveal in RP.
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Re: Nele Hawkeye [Unicorn] [Completed]

Post by Johan Tercel on Sat Dec 28, 2013 1:22 am

Accepted, and welcome to the RP. ^^
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Re: Nele Hawkeye [Unicorn] [Completed]

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