Failures of Magnitude [Open, Dated]

November 20, 23:00

Suture cried as she made her way back to the Undermarket, pushing through ponies as she went to find a place where she could be alone. She glanced toward the clinic on her way, shaking her head further and breaking into a gallop. She wasn't about to go and die inside there; it was idiotic. She continued to move at an ever increasing rate, to a quieter place, a bit off from the edge of the western undermarket. It was there that it reeked of sewer, and some refuse was scattered about, including a few cans and bottles. Some medical waste also lied about, probably from one of the rich west-district doctors that Sut had heard about. She was saddened that she was unable to help herself like they helped others.

Her logic was sound, to herself at least. Remove herself entirely, get rid of the burden on others. Get rid of the burden on her self. She thought not of those who loved her; she could never perceive someone genuinely caring about her, and she never wanted to perceive others caring for her either. Her struggles were her own, and she wanted not to burden others with them. Thus, the only way to get rid of her burden was to remove herself from all situations; knowing all too well that they'd care too much, the only way was to kill herself (which was also a more permanent solution).

She slowly slumped to the ground against a wall, sitting with her torso exposed for all to see. She took the nearby glass bottle and slammed it against the wall, still contemplating her method of suicide. Drowning wasn't an option, nor was hanging, due to the lack of water and places to hang herself from. Decapitation was impossible without a bladed weapon, so that left something that something small could complete. Seppuku, therefore, was the best option. A shard of glass sharp enough could act as a deep-cutting knife in order to remove the flesh between her and her intestines, and the death was relatively swift and painless (and arguably more honorable) than other methods she had available to her.

With that, she selected a shard long and sharp enough from the brown remains of the bottle, taking it in her telekinesis. She shook, sobbing silently while she moved the shard closer to her lower torso. Were she to plunge it into her flesh would be her final act, and the shard moved slower and slower as it reached her flesh. Did she really want this?

Yes.. no.. yes... no... yes.... no.... YES!

As she made the final decision, the shard plunged into her flesh as deep as she could get it, causing Suture to convulse with pain. She slowly dragged it across her lower torso in a horizontal motion, damaging flesh and intestine alike. The decision was truly final as she reached the middle of her torso, pain and blood loss causing her to shake and sob even harder. Still, the rough blade sliced through her flesh, ever so slowly.

The under market had proved to be more then useful in the terms of getting food. It was busy with ponies all sharing similar feels about the griffons as herself, but the site before her puzzled her. The pony tasted more then miserable. Sorrow, anger, frustration, depression but that was only the top of it. The problem with changeling is the ability to know what another is feeling, only vaguely due to needing to identify love, but it was still possible, but this pony...

She stared as she watched the pony mutilate her underside, the familiar red splash that brought back tons of painful memories, the cry of pain as the sharp object inflicted pain upon it's wielder. She slowly stepped out from behind the two boxes she'd been crouched behind. "What are you doing!?" She asked as she began to move to the pony who now had critical injuries.

The blade was now halfway through her lower toso, and Suture still cried as a flash of black swam into her vision from behind a few boxes. She suddenly stopped as it yelled at her, the being of black moving closer to herself. Suture promptly swiped the shard of glass out of her body, taking it in a spinning motion to cause maximum damage. "Go a-away!" Suture tried to yell toward the being, pain and tears choking her up, making her voice pianissimo rather than forte in this situation.

The shard, while still bloody, was held shakily in her magic, pointing toward the being. Suture looked up, seeing a being unfamiliar to her; Sut tried to move further back against the wall, but the wound across her lower torso caused her so much pain, that she was unable to move and merely let out a particularly loud sob, her telekinesis dropping the shard of glass but now taking her intestines in it, starting to move them from her body. "G-get away you creepy fuck!" she yelled in the same pianissimo voice as before.

"I would just like to point out... A suicidal bloody pony going into both shock and hysteria..." She paused moving closer a single stomp crushing the former weapon with easy. "Is calling me a creepy fuck. I don't recall ever doing something like that with you, so I don't know how you know that." She spoke calmly. Despite all of this she was more worried for the now bleeding snack, what could she do though. "Perhaps you could calm down for a moment, you might be able to think more clearly... or not. I'll can just wait until you pass out from blood loss." She giggled standing in front of the pony.

Suture's magic fell as the pain grew further and further, preventing it's use. What intestines she did manage to grab were now on the cold, pathogen-infested floors of the Undermarket. Regardless, her blood loss was still sending her into pretty serve shock; one doesn't just slice deeply at one's organs and expect not to hit an artery. Black began to swim in around her vision, and Sut let her head droop a bit. She didn't want this to happen this way, but she supposed it would be more pleasant than the alternative.

She never answered the changeling's question, still afraid of whatever Suture thought it was, and how it could speak Equestrian. Regardless, it would take a few minutes for Suture to pass out, but, when she did, it would hardly be noticeable.

She watched as the bloody messy pony finally gave way, it was only then that she decided to envelop the creature in her magic. She acted fast, her jaw popping open as she spilled a light green substance from her mouth before biting it off. At the same time she had carefully enveloped the creatures organs in magic and set them slowly back into the obvious opening in of the pony in which she had turned on her back. With the mare on her back she carefully place the stretch of green organic material over the ponies wasted, making sure it wrapped around her at least twice before sealing it to her back.

She was far from the safe yet though, but there were plenty of medic in the hive, she could order one to fix her snack, and if they didn't she'd do it herself. "You really must stop being so selfish, silly pony." She spoke as she began to make her way back to the tunnels that would lead into the changeling hive.

The walk wasn't long, just dark and winding, it didn't take long for the glows of other eyes to set upon her and her pony, making it clear she was closing in on home. Though her first stop would be a place to get suicide pony here, to get restrained and fixed.

The low glowing green was hidden behind a tipped subway cart, easily blocked out in the already crowded tunnels. Behind that, was the abrupt drop that would signal the edge of the changeling hive. Several more tunnels that were sealed could be seen. Her decent took her past another maintenance tunnel before landing down upon the a solid surface to take her into the changelings makeshift medical wing.

"Keep the pony asleep, when she awakens, I want her to wake up in a pony bed. But I want her back legs restrained so she can't run. Also keep watch of her, she's not afraid to use her magic, four armed soldiers, no more, no less." She spoke to the changelings before they hoisted the mare off to a bed, only then seeing the damage of the mare she had brought in.

"Why were you trying to hurt yourself, what are you hiding?"

Suture found herself awakening in a place warmer than the floor of the Undermarket; softer too. A bed, she promptly found out, but too soft to be one of her own. Her immediate first thought was of questioning the validity of her situation being the afterlife, and it actually seemed convincing, 'till she remembered that there was a stranger by her when she passed out. Then, she opened her eyes, to be greeted by a room who's walls and roof were an odd shape; she promptly realized she wasn't anywhere familiar, and, having failed a suicide attempt, began to panic, before cringing at the pain of her now-healing wounds. She began to hyperventilate, slipping into a panic attack as she glanced around the room and saw changelings... changelings asking her questions. It was only then she felt the restraints on her legs, sending her further down the path of panic; her head began to feel light as a liquid blackness closed in around her vision, as she began to pass out again, albeit, it would only be for a short period this time.

One of the changelings that had been standing next to Androconia immediately moved to calm the mare, but was stopped when her hoof came up. She didn't say a word as she watched the mare. Everyone could taste the near pure fear. Eventually she would calm down, or stay asleep. "Only act if it's a counter to stop her. Eventually she'll calm down... Or I'll have to smack a mare to pull her out of hysteria again." She shrugged as she watched the panicking mare, before standing and moving next to the bed. She motioned for the guards to wait by the door, reduce the number of changelings in the room. "I'll wait for you to finish Ma'am."

Suture eventually passed out from the lack of oxygen going to her brain, and therefore, how long she was passed out was going to be very very short. A few minutes, at most. As she awoke again, she saw the same things, thought the same things, promptly remembered and, this time, proceeded in a calmer, albeit precautionary manner. She was very tentative as she turned her unrestrained head toward the changeling by her bed, Sut's eyes struggling to adjust to the darkness; luckily, Suture recognized the glowing eyes almost immediately, a telltale sign of a changeling. Her eyes still wide with panic, she began to speak to the Changeling.

"I.. What do you w-want with me? W-what am I worth t-to you?" She asked, her voice quivering out of fear.

"Well let's stop and thing about that question for a moment." She paused still staring down at the mare before illuminating the room with a much brighter green. "What's is your life worth... to you..?" She asked giving a soft smile down the the mare who was laying upon the bed. It was clear she was scared, but maybe she was willing to talk if she was scared.

Suture slowly addressed the Changeling with her fearful eyes, pupils still dilated from fear. Her breathing was slow and heavy, as she was still in the midst of something akin to a panic attack. The answer to the supposedly female changeling's question could not come to Suture's mind, and, as she smiled softly at Sut, Suture couldn't help but feel only slightly safer. Maybe these changelings didn't want to harm Suture? Albeit, the must have some alterior motive; why aren't there as many changelings as before in the room, anyway? Suture began to answer the Changeling's question: "... I.. I don't know..."

"So the value of your own your own life is unknown to you, yet you wish us to put a price on it." She gave a slow blink. Letting the silence of the surrounding dark creep in slightly as she dimmed her horn light. "So what does life, in general, mean to you?" She asked, her voice calm, soft and curious. She lifted her hoof over the semi-transparent green material that sealed her belly wound and let it rest gently down upon it. "What would make want to throw away something that can be changed so much?"

Suture's breathing became slightly more rapid as the changeling rested her hoof upon Suture's wound. Her body tensed up as well; it wasn't like the wound hurt already, a sort of intense throbbing pain, but now? Now a changeling's hoof rest upon it, the slight and gentle movement causing an increase in pain for Suture. Her eyes rapidly dilated as well, not just from the dimming of the light, but due to a massive increase of epinephrine in her bloodstream, squirted from many a gland in her body; she desperately wanted to run away, very very fast. But where would she go? She was a prisoner of changelings, in an interrogation/torture chamber where they wanted to somehow extract information from her. But what information did she have, anyway?

"N-nothing... and everything..." Suture answered very quietly, her voice quivering out of panic and pain. "I just felt that I... that I wasn't helping anyone... That I was worthless..."

"So you chose to throw away a gift that was given to you because you felt that you couldn't help people." She couldn't help but roll her eyes, her hoof sliding from the other body and back onto the floor if only so she could wander around the bed again. "How many more would die without your help, h'mm? What do you think would change if I hadn't taken you to my medical wing." Her tone seemed to deepen, her choice taking on a slightly sharper undertone.

"Let me answer those question for you. If you say 'no pony' then who were you trying to help, and how were you helping them, why did you learn from your mistakes and do better, swear to yourself never to make those same mistakes ever again. If you say 'nothing' then it's clear you weren't even trying to help anypony ever and all you were doing was giving those that love those ponies false hope and if that's so..." For a moment all went quiet. She turned out her horn light and let her eyes fall shut, the darkness of the hive seeming absolute excluding the tiny round green orbs that were stuck in the ceiling casting almost no light

She then let her eye open and brightened up the entire room, the only other changelings in the room was a doctor fixing the front hoof of another changeling who was laying on another bed, while different then the one the mare was on, it still had a medical feel to it and the four guards sitting at the entrance watching the two. "Why would you exist, if you were worthless. Just because you haven't found your purpose yet, doesn't mean you do not have one. Take it from a creature without a picture on her rump to tell her, her 'destiny'. Your worth cannot be weighed by any material object, because if you cannot live for yourself, then live for those around you."

"So what is the value of your life... and why do you feel your are worthless?"

"I don't think you understand," Suture began, becoming slightly annoyed with the changeling before her, albeit, this wasn't shown; her tone was reserved and weak, as she felt guilt for her attempted suicide now. "I'm not just 'not helping,' I'm harming. Going against what I've been taught to do. I've seen and committed atrocities that weigh too heavily on my mind. My crimes would be worthy of death in most any nation," she said as she slowly tried to rise, tired of lying on the bed. While she was largely successful, it was still painful on the way up, and the awkward sitting position supported by her forelegs wasn't comfortable at all- she was just trying to make a point.

"I've helped many-a-pony, I'll admit, but helping now isn't enough to atone for what I've done before. I have watched all those dear to me die in some terrible, horrible way, and all I did is sit by, and watch," she said as she cast her head down, her voice growing more and more forceful as she tried to defend her suicide. "I've given others false hope in the face of incurable ailments, just to give them a reason to go on everyday, to prevent the selfish act that I've committed. I'll admit, I'm selfish. I'm very selfish; no matter how many selfless acts I've made to save others, they've been for a selfish goal. Why do I have so much passion in helping others?! Because I want to feel as if I haven't just stood by my entire life! Go ahead! Sic your guards on me, torture me until I die, I don't fucking care!" She said, her voice crescendoing into a yell.

Androconia gave a small shrug. "So you can admit your selfish-ness, yet you regret it. You help yet you believe that saving a life is worthless to the amount of bad you've done. H'mm." Here eyes gave a small roll as she brought her hoof up to her face forming a sort of thinking pose, not that it could be seen. "So you froze up and watch a few friends get mutated. Funny thing."

She let her hoof slam onto the ground her voice raising to dangerous levels as traces of green fire licked at the surround area. "I did too! That hasn't stopped me from bloody trying! I didn't jump off of the nearest cliff or try to gut myself with a piece of glass!" The only way I can a tone for the destruction of my race is by setting the stepping stone to help them rise. Do I deserve it? No. Will I do it?" She let her voice drop the fire sizzling away as she slipped up over the mare, her snout touching the others.

"Until my dieing breath."

The changeling queen took a deep breath and pulled away from the mare before sitting down. "So you failed some ponies, so you help other for your own gain and/or you froze in place because you were scared. Self preservation is natural, be it survival, or self-progression. You should work every day, no matter how hard it is, fight every day to atone for those sins, knowing that you never will. Then, when the time comes, you accept your punishment, no matter how harsh, no matter how brutal."

Shook her head slowly allowing silence to creep in for a moment. "I'm not going to kill you, I didn't waste the time and energy on you just to turn you into mush. I want to understand why somepony who is so selfish, would care, if she were so selfish."

"Because all I have ever done, for my entire life, is poison myself and block everyone else out, just so I could feel sorry for myself, so I could pity myself, so others would pity me. Now, I'm tired of that," she said as she slowly laid herself back down, the pain from sitting upright too much. "I feel as if that I've been given too many chances to atone, to do something that would make a difference, and all I've ever done was sit around and do nothing, just so I could pity myself. And you know what? I'm sick of it. Sick and tired of feeling worthless, sick and tired of pitying myself. Thank you, Miss whatever you are, for saving me, because now I can actually stop feeling sorry for myself, and actually fucking DO SOMETHING!" She yelled, finishing her rant with a note of anger, anger directed toward herself for failing herself.

"Androconia, Daughter of Chrysalis." She nodded. "Now all that remains is for you to put your words into actions." Upon that she turned to one of the changelings "Caretaker, administer a daze spell to numb the pain."

She turned back to the mare who was in front of her. Her magic ripping the binds on her rear hooves apart. "Just because I'm a monster, doesn't mean I can't try not to be. When the spell hit, it'll tingle then everything will feel sorta... dreamy? Either way, you'll be up and walking in 7 days, though I wouldn't suggest running around or doing anything to... straining, but who listens to the doctors orders, right?" She gave a small wink before turning to walk away from the mare.

Suture quirked a brow toward Andro, opening her mouth to speak once again as she walked away, but then she felt magic impact her. Her feeling of touch dulled as her mind dulled with it, giving her the overall sensation of being on morphine, which, to an extent, made her fearful. It took her a while to remember that it was a spell, and (most) magic wasn't too addictive. It made her calm down a bit, but she couldn't help but notice that all of her senses were dulling; her eyesight was blurred, her hearing felt like she was hearing through water, she could hardly feel anything but a tingling sensation, and she tasted... raspberries? The same smell came through her nose, albeit severely dulled. At this, she chuckled at, before shifting her body into a more comfortable position and making an attempt to get some rest while she was a captive of the Queen.

Day and night seemed to bleed together being as the sun couldn't be seen and the only real audible noise that was constant was the buzzing of somelings wings as they flew by. Most of the hive was dark and move around would require an escort with a light unless you wanted to wander blindly under the little green orbs that marked the center of the hallway every few feet.

Even with the in ability to tell time it was obvious time was going painfully slow, with nothing to do or look at the moments seemed to creep on. Androconia had been visiting the new arrival every few hours, the first two times had she had been asleep. Hopefully a third time would be better. As she stepped into the medical wing she illuminated her horn which is turn lit up the room with a brilliant green.

"Are you alive yet?" she asked the mare with a smile, not that she could see it being as her horns light was far to bright.

Suture cast her foreleg over her eyes, to shield them from the intensely bright light radiating from the Queen's horn. "Bright... bright..." Suture said weakly as she shifted her body in the bed, her self-inflicted wound causing her visible pain whenever she shifted. Admittedly, it was the light that woke her up; she was having a very unpleasant dream beforehand, mostly about dying and being chastised, only to be reincarnated and die shortly after, being chastised again in an endless cycle. Slowly, Suture lowered her foreleg as her eyes adjusted to the light.

"To answer your question... yes..." she began, her voice still a little shaky. "However... I'm not doing well, at all. It's.. it's my intestines. I ripped them up, bad. To make matters worse, I haven't been able to eat anything for days, because I would just vomit it all up. There's a chance I still might die, but... there's nothing much you can do about that, if you don't want to put me into surgery," she finished, now looking directly at the Queen. "So, what do you need?"

She gave a childish sigh, dimming her horn enough to illuminate the closest wall, barely. "Well I have the resources, excluding cleaning supplies, to give you surgery. I even have enough doctors, with experience in pony medical procedures, to preform said surgery. The question is how cooperative would you be for such a treatment? Or would you rather rick trying to get to a... not here, hospital?" She asked sincerely, her high pitched voice seemed to give a touch more care then it should have. She had bought the mare time, why not give her even more. "Bet you won't try to kill yourself like that again, next time you want to die, just overdose on morphine or something." She said giving a playful smile as she approached the bed, dimming her light a little more with each step.

Suture's brow quirked as the Queen approached her, the once bright now dimming ever so slightly with her approach. "If you're willing to give me the treatment, then I'd accept it... and that was my original plan," Suture said with a half-annoyed tone of voice. "... but they would never let me near the stuff. It's mostly needing repair, because, well, I basically sliced them in half and let them sit on the floor for a few minutes. If I didn't accept, I'd be unable to eat and I'd be even more fucked than I am right now..." Suture said as she shifted slightly, her pain visible on her face after getting back into a lying position.

"Well technically you could eat, but everything that should've gone through your rump would come from your mouth." She stated simply to the ground her gaze seeming to search the ceiling as if it would comment on her thoughts. "But still, you'll need to be heavily dazed or asleep for the operation, can't do it with you howling in pain..." Her gaze then dropped to the mare that was laying in bed.

".. and don't worry I'll be right next to you watching the whole time." She paused for a second before standing. "It's not creepy."

Suture nodded as the Queen spoke. "Don't worry, I won't mind. Your 'caretaker's' magic was working well earlier, so I suppose going through with the operation could work," she said in an almost reluctant tone. With that, a few changeling 'doctors' came about the room to Suture's bed, the buzzing of their wings evident in Suture's ears. One of them looked at one across the bed from it and quirked a brow, cocking it's head slightly. The one who was the target of this action merely spoke: "You won't feel a thing," it said as it's horn flared, producing a particularly powerful dazing spell which had the potential to send Suture into unconsciousness.

Instead, the spell caused Suture great, great sedation, causing her senses to basically become null. With her vision blurring and tunneling in alternating patterns and her hearing alternating between intensely dreamlike and outright deaf, Suture was effectively deprived of all sensory input. She could barely feel any part of her body, and the same strong smell of raspberries wafted through her nose. She giggled a bit, commenting toward the Queen: "Your hair.. your hair smells like raspberries." It seemed to Suture that the effects of dazing were very, very similar from case-to-case, almost like a drug... almost like nitrous oxide, actually.

As Suture fell into paralysis and essential unconsciousness, the doctors began to carefully remove the resin-based wrap around her waistband and slowly widen the wound to provide a better operating field. With this, one of the others removed the resin-wrap from some of her intestines, as it wasn't providing any help to their mending. Another of the trio then promptly began to suture some of the damaged intestine back to it's other side, thus allowing it to heal properly. She did this with each and every one of the severed intestines, then going as far as to remove Suture's appendix just because it's a shitty vestigal structure with no purpose.

Anyway, with that out of the way, the excess blood was drained from Suture's body cavity and the wound, well, the wound was sealed by suturing and had a layer of resin applied over it to make sure it healed properly, and without infection. Suture, still conscious, was unmoving as two of the three doctors buzzed off, while one remained to monitor Suture's condition, to make sure that the Queen's new pet didn't all of a sudden die on her.

"This mare... She must be drugged more." Was all she could say as she quietly watched the others work, slowly and carefully. Once the procedure had cleared, the remaining caretaker took a look at her queen who was still watching the mare.

"Ma'am, I don't understand, why?" She asked her eye in a clear raise.

"Well that's simple, she's a whole boat of leaking love, you know you took a nibble." She stated teasingly to the changeling who only blinked then looked back at the stolen monitoring equipment, her ear twitching as Andro piped up again. "And I don't mean put her under more drugs I mean like... well drugged more often and for longer... that way she just talks about fruit smells and let's her guard down. She's much less suicidal that way."

The other changeling only blinked looking at the equipment before turning back to Andro who had a very hopeful look on her face. "If we did that, she would grow a resistance to the spell, and thus it would stop working. We'll need to give her time to sleep... she seems to do a lot of that here..." As if scripted by some kinda author from another universe they both shrugged simultaneously before the Caretaker buzzed off, leaving the queen to stare at her bed ridden snack.