Star Gazer[Unicorn][Completed]

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Star Gazer[Unicorn][Completed]

Post by Star Gazer on Thu Jan 03, 2013 11:48 am

Name: Star Gazer
Species: Unicorn
Gender: Female
Age: 20
Occupation: Astronomer
Virtue/Vice: Kindness, Anger
Special Talent: Technokenisis
Minor Talents: Ster Based Navigation
Alignment: Neutral

=Appearance=
Height: 4'5"
Coat Color: brown
Mane/Tail Color: purple
Eye color: aqua green
Cutie/Glyph Mark: Gear

Picture:


=Bio=
Personality:
She has a split personality this stems from a traumatic childhood through the war. Her split personality is harsh violent and impulsive a complete contrast to her normal mental state. Her normal side is calm and collected and intelligent she is a massive pacifist but switches randomly around other ponies where she finds it harder to stay calm. For the majority her personality is unchanged while she is by herself as it is only drawn out by situations that make her nervous aka being around other ponies.

Due to this split personality she stays in solitude on a mountain where she carries out her experiments and practices her Technokenisis. She has an open love for the stars and watches them every night from her observatory at the top of the mountain. She has never been affected by the griffons so her nerves are higher around them.

Her Split Personality has the same memories however it was created out of fear and anger to the griffons. her anger form resents griffon kind but will be rude the same just a bit more raciest to the griffons.


History:
when the griffon army attacked Star Gazer used her ability to kill a griffon soldier attacking her family this caused a mental breakdown and the fear consumed her creating her split personality as a defensive mechanism. Over the years she regained her quiet life on a mountain just outside of Hollow Shades. She makes small trips for supplies every now and then however keeping mostly to herself. This life of solitude is uninterrupted as griffons don't patrol the mountains. She repetitively practices her technomancy and carries allot of her smaller inventions around with her.

Over the years of living on the mountain she has been able to view the majority of equestria she enjoys watching the sun set on the horizon and viewing ponies work out on the fields. she has completely mapped out the night sky and has kept records of her findings. during her trips to manehaten to pick up supplies. Her goal is to find the lost elements and she intends to find the answers somewhere in the stars.


Last edited by 1malledo on Sat Jan 05, 2013 12:22 pm; edited 5 times in total (Reason for editing : Updating)
avatar
Star Gazer
Newbie
Newbie

Posts : 11
Join date : 2013-01-03

Character sheet
Alignment: Neutral
Profession: Astronomer
Age: 20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Star Gazer[Unicorn][Completed]

Post by Freyia on Thu Jan 03, 2013 12:47 pm

More in your Personality and History please. At least another paragraph for both. Also it says you are a unicorn yet your picture has wings. Explain this either in your CS or in a post.

Thank You
avatar
Freyia
Trixie
Trixie

Posts : 391
Join date : 2012-10-24

Character sheet
Alignment: Loyalist
Profession: Warrior
Age: 29

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Star Gazer[Unicorn][Completed]

Post by Star Gazer on Thu Jan 03, 2013 8:33 pm

Freyia wrote:More in your Personality and History please. At least another paragraph for both. Also it says you are a unicorn yet your picture has wings. Explain this either in your CS or in a post.

Thank You

I updated the CS to explain the wings and made the personality and history longer but there isn't really much to say she is very reclusive is there anything else?
avatar
Star Gazer
Newbie
Newbie

Posts : 11
Join date : 2013-01-03

Character sheet
Alignment: Neutral
Profession: Astronomer
Age: 20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Star Gazer[Unicorn][Completed]

Post by Steel Strike on Fri Jan 04, 2013 1:09 am

Uh hello. Um a few things...quite a few...
First off, you don't use periods in your paragraphs much, which make the entire paragraph look like a run on sentence. So divide it up into 4 or 5 sentences, for each paragraph. Just add a period whenever there is a pause.
Second, technokenisis is the manipulation of technology, via magic. Your wings, while mechanical, are not technology. I mean, they are, but not to the degree of being affected by technokenisis.
Also, your wings could be moved via regular kinesis, but in actuality this would require more magical energy then a unicorn could use to stay aloft. Plus Pegasi have several factors that allow for flight that unicorns don't have AKA different bone structures, ability to rest on clouds, larger lungs. So it'd require even more energy then a pegasi would use, making flight too tiring and just plain inefficient for unicorns, if it were feasible at all.

My recommendation would be: Lose the wings, split up the paragraphs into sentences, revise your history (To exclude the wings) and you should be all set.

I do like the character though, she'd definitely be interesting to come across.
avatar
Steel Strike
Scootaloo
Scootaloo

Posts : 797
Join date : 2012-10-21
Location : Trottingham

Character sheet
Alignment: Rebel
Profession: Smith
Age: 32

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Star Gazer[Unicorn][Completed]

Post by Star Gazer on Sat Jan 05, 2013 11:10 am

How's this I removed the wings and updated the history and backstory
avatar
Star Gazer
Newbie
Newbie

Posts : 11
Join date : 2013-01-03

Character sheet
Alignment: Neutral
Profession: Astronomer
Age: 20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Star Gazer[Unicorn][Completed]

Post by Steel Strike on Sat Jan 05, 2013 11:49 am

Approved!

Just get rid of flight as a minor talent xD
avatar
Steel Strike
Scootaloo
Scootaloo

Posts : 797
Join date : 2012-10-21
Location : Trottingham

Character sheet
Alignment: Rebel
Profession: Smith
Age: 32

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Star Gazer[Unicorn][Completed]

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum